Recovering . . .

To all of you who read my blog regularly, I cannot thank you enough for messaging, commenting, giving hugs and being so supportive during my 50 day juice fast. It's been 3 weeks since my "The Last Day", a post that saw more than 200 times the normal amount of readers, and time for an update . . .

Denial - Anger - Bargaining - Depression - Acceptance

That's the order in which you're supposed to handle grief .

Denial -- yup, I had that one in spades. Had plenty of denial; plenty of "I can fix this, and make it okay". But I was the only one thinking that sadly.

Anger - I don't think I had much of this one. Or maybe I think I should have been angrier. But in all honesty, I think I skipped right on ahead. (Some will argue that my last blog post was my anger phase. My blog post was not an attack. It was not my way of coloring things or trying to sway the masses. I was feeling completely humiliated, having panic attacks and feeling more of less worthless. I just didn't know any other way of owning that I had failed in my relationship -- failed to the point where I would be lied to so blatantly -- and I needed to get out from under it. I did not want to hurt anyone through my writing.)

Bargaining & Depression -- This is where I have been spending most of my time. I would like to say it's the name of a cool new bar, but alas, no. I think that bargaining and depression actually go together very nicely. But to say I have been making a hot mess of my life would be an understatement.. I used to be the type of person that when I got depressed would sleep 15 hours in a day -- not anymore. I sleep about 3 hours/night and then am up, maybe squeezing in one more hour before dawn. I don't sleep when I'm with him*, and I don't sleep when I'm away from him. But I fall asleep quite easily, and then wake up promptly 3 hours later to haunt the rest of the night like a Shakespearean ghost. But even Hamlet's father didn't spend that much time on stage -- he had plenty of time on the Equity cot backstage while Hamlet prattled on about something.

* See: Denial & Bargaining.

Acceptance: Yeah, I'll call you when I get here.

I have had a lot of family pass in the last year, and had just as many friends lose loved ones in that same short span of time. Buying Sympathy Cards in bulk wasn't a joke. It was a necessity, and I have to remember to post another one on Monday. It was just a bad year. But somehow, accepting death, while becoming no less painful, has become somehow easier. People die. You may postpone the day, but you will not avoid it. It will happen. Neither your loved one nor God are trying to hurt you through the act of dying. It is just an inevitability.

So, how do you find acceptance when a loved one betrays you? They do have a choice. The truth may be difficult to tell, but it's always a better choice than a lie. So, when someone you love decides to lie to you, betray you and hurt you, how do you find acceptance? I found denial, some anger, bargaining, and depression very easily. I even found forgiveness without much effort, but, acceptance eludes me. It doesn't appear on the map. I don't see it off the horizon. I don't want to accept it, if accepting it means saying "it's okay". It's not okay. It's absolutely not okay. There is no need to look someone you care for in the eye and lie unless it involves Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy or the Monster-That (used to) Live-Under-My-Bed who has had to relocate to Manhattan. Those are fine. But months of deception and lies are not acceptable. I will not rubber stamp that one and let it slide. No, I can't change it, and holding my breath until I turn blue will not turn back time. I acknowledge it. I recognized that it occurred. But I do not accept it.

But on the subject of juicing . . . (that's really why we were here, right?)

In three weeks, I have kept off all but 4.5 lbs of what I lost which is right in line with what I'd estimated. Processing solids effectively took more than a week to regulate. I have found that in addition to the high fiber diet I already have, (Vega - vegan protein supplement & soluble fiber added to other beverage), psyllium  husk works amazingly well to clean out the system. I don't crave sweets at all. I have remained vegan at home, and restaurant vegetarian (and vegan when possible). My portions have remained smaller, and my desire for fresh vegetables has remained high. But nothing beats spicy food -- don't care what kind of spice, just anything not fruity!

I ran the BAA 5K, and improved my personal best time by 4 minutes I should be running and cycling more, and hope to when I start sleeping more. I am taking riding lessons, and finally started painting the bedroom with the help of a very dear friend who knew I needed a little push. I have the BAA 10k in June and the half-marathon in October. I need to finish painting the kitchen and bedroom, then touch-up the dinning room. Once that's complete, I hope to crank out the living room paint before the contractors come to rip out my bathroom. Oh, and I've gotten through 1.5 books of Game of Thrones.

Do I still have juice? Not every day, but quite often. When I'm lazy, I'll just make a serving of Vega -- 5 minutes and a lot less clean-up. Pure laziness, nothing more.

And Johnny . . . the little kitty lounging at the top of my blog.

The drug that Johnny is on to treat his squamous cell carcinoma comes in a container marked as a bio-hazard. I have to give him a Pepcid tablet everyday to prevent nausea. I've also been warned that I should not handle the pill, and that I should wear gloves. I have always taken precautions when preparing Johnny's food with the medication, but I also know that if he's resistant to take it on a particular day, I must get it in him. So, one day I handled his food after the moisture had started to breakdown the medication. I just didn't see how something that wasn't making a 10 lb cat sick, could make me all that sick. I was wrong, very wrong, home from work sleep on the bathroom floor wrong. Lesson learned.

John-John had his trip to the oncologist a week after my cleanse finished. Thus far his medication has had a positive effect. He has lost some weight, which I'm trying to get back on him. But we are continuing the treatment in  hope of ridding him of the tumor completely. He has turned 13, and it appears to be a much luckier number for him than most. Considering his initial diagnosis would have had me burying him next month, John-John looks like he'll be drooling on me for many moons to come. (Fingers crossed.)

Thank you for coming on this journey with me. Please reach out with any questions you may have on juicing -- I'm not an expert, but I do have experience. :)

Best of luck on your journeys!

Nicole