I'm sure I could say that about a lot of things.
I find juicing to be much harder during the work week. It's not the social interaction at work that pushes my buttons. It's not the varying scents of people's lunches that are a distraction. Every once in a while I would love peole to stop by my desk with food just so I could smell it. (Yes, Malini, I have reached that point.) What may be driving me nuts is that I never leave the office. I have no reason to. I bring my juice with me. I don't step out for coffee. I haven't been able to break free to go to the gym. So my entire day is now spent in front of this screen.
And what do I start to do if I'm staring at the computer too long? I look up recipes I want to make when I'm eating again. Considering it's Day 11, checking out recipes is more than a little premature, and definitely a little questionable. I have no problem going home and making the BF dinner because I don't eat meat ever, but making him a side dish is torture. Tomorrow my regular routine begins again, as the BF is back, so coffee, bacon, eggs, bagels . . . I'm drooling right now.
I always wondered how March got it's name, but now it seems painfully clear. February hasn't been bad, and April will be easy, but it's the long march through March that is going to be killer.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Motivation . . .
Newton's first law of motion may be the most important:
First law: The velocity of a body remains constant unless the body is acted upon by an external force.
And since my body is not in motion, my mind needs to act upon it to put it in motion. I could wait for a flood or fire but that seems a bit extreme. I can procrastinate like nobody's business. When it comes to remaining still, I have it down to a science. When I first moved, I didn't want a TV because I have a tendency to get sucked in. Really sucked in. And Netflix doesn't help. Lord knows how many SG-1 episodes I can watch this weekend if left to my own devices, and I really need to be painting my kitchen.
But it's not just about avoiding chores. I like exercise, but I avoid it like the plague. If I'm getting up everyday and running, then I will do it everyday. But when I'm not running, I need an electric jolt to get me off my ass. Does anyone else have this problem? That a body at rest tends to stay at rest?
What my body is missing is balance! I need to incorporate equal parts of rest and motion. If I can find the balance, and not excess in any one area, perhaps it will become easier to maintain. How do I reboot that system? Is it merely motivation? It can't be. I have plenty of motivation. Does it need to be dire? Heightened? Or is it merely a sign of depression, seasonal or otherwise?
I thought my diet had been the biggest part of my inactivity. It has been true in the past. When I eat processed foods, I slow down. It is as much a drug an benedryl. So am I still waiting for the side effects to subside?
First law: The velocity of a body remains constant unless the body is acted upon by an external force.
And since my body is not in motion, my mind needs to act upon it to put it in motion. I could wait for a flood or fire but that seems a bit extreme. I can procrastinate like nobody's business. When it comes to remaining still, I have it down to a science. When I first moved, I didn't want a TV because I have a tendency to get sucked in. Really sucked in. And Netflix doesn't help. Lord knows how many SG-1 episodes I can watch this weekend if left to my own devices, and I really need to be painting my kitchen.
But it's not just about avoiding chores. I like exercise, but I avoid it like the plague. If I'm getting up everyday and running, then I will do it everyday. But when I'm not running, I need an electric jolt to get me off my ass. Does anyone else have this problem? That a body at rest tends to stay at rest?
What my body is missing is balance! I need to incorporate equal parts of rest and motion. If I can find the balance, and not excess in any one area, perhaps it will become easier to maintain. How do I reboot that system? Is it merely motivation? It can't be. I have plenty of motivation. Does it need to be dire? Heightened? Or is it merely a sign of depression, seasonal or otherwise?
I thought my diet had been the biggest part of my inactivity. It has been true in the past. When I eat processed foods, I slow down. It is as much a drug an benedryl. So am I still waiting for the side effects to subside?
Saturday, February 25, 2012
50 Days is Over 7 Weeks
Not a very profound statement. When you think of 7 weeks leading up to Christmas or a vacation, it might be an eternity. When it's studying for the Bar Exam, it may be the blink of an eye.
Yesterday, I was told my cat, Johnny has 12 - 16 weeks to live. That doesn't seem like very much at all does it? It makes my 7 weeks feel like the blink of an eye. He has a squamous cell carcinoma on the left side of his lower jaw. Even if it remains localized, the tumor will eventually grow large enough and put him in so much pain he will stop eating. The cancer wil not kill him outright. It will just prevent him from eating and drinking enough to stay alive. I just went through this with my older cat, Henry last month. Henry fought this disease in a way I didn't think an animal could. He was still trying to eat up to the end. He never gave in.
Johnny is a lover, not a fighter. Henry was known for attacking Rotweillers. John-John is known for liking his bum spanked and liking women with long hair. Henry was 5 years when I brought home a kitten the week that JFK Jr.'s plane went missing. John-John became Henry's shadow. Neally, the now lone female, was not pleased, not one bit. Poor Neally. She was pissed. And let everyone know it. But the boys were now inseparable. And I knew when Henry died, that Johnny would take it particularly hard. On the last day, I told Johnny that he needed to come say good-bye, and he completely understood. He got up, walked into the living room, hopped up on the sofa next to Henry and head-butted him three times.
I thought there would be years before I had to face losing Johnny. Then last week, sitting on the sofa patting Johnny, I felt a lump. "What are the odds?" I thought. How do two cats not of the same litter years apart in age develop the same disease months apart in the same household? I felt like I have been somehow killing them. That I must have exposed them to something unknowingly. But, 32 percent of all cats over the the age of 10 will die from cancer, and 10 percent will die from this type of cancer. 32%!!! (Dogs are worse -- 50% of dogs over 10 develop cancer.) Johnny was one of a litter of four, and is the second to develop cancer.
If there is something doctors can do for him without making his remaing days a misery, then we'll try it. I'll try wheatgrass juice and rednop tea. Johnny and I can be on the juice together. Don't worry -- Johnny isn't going vegetarian. He'll still get as much food as I can get into him. I will do everything I can possibly do for him.
Yesterday, I was told my cat, Johnny has 12 - 16 weeks to live. That doesn't seem like very much at all does it? It makes my 7 weeks feel like the blink of an eye. He has a squamous cell carcinoma on the left side of his lower jaw. Even if it remains localized, the tumor will eventually grow large enough and put him in so much pain he will stop eating. The cancer wil not kill him outright. It will just prevent him from eating and drinking enough to stay alive. I just went through this with my older cat, Henry last month. Henry fought this disease in a way I didn't think an animal could. He was still trying to eat up to the end. He never gave in.
Johnny is a lover, not a fighter. Henry was known for attacking Rotweillers. John-John is known for liking his bum spanked and liking women with long hair. Henry was 5 years when I brought home a kitten the week that JFK Jr.'s plane went missing. John-John became Henry's shadow. Neally, the now lone female, was not pleased, not one bit. Poor Neally. She was pissed. And let everyone know it. But the boys were now inseparable. And I knew when Henry died, that Johnny would take it particularly hard. On the last day, I told Johnny that he needed to come say good-bye, and he completely understood. He got up, walked into the living room, hopped up on the sofa next to Henry and head-butted him three times.
I thought there would be years before I had to face losing Johnny. Then last week, sitting on the sofa patting Johnny, I felt a lump. "What are the odds?" I thought. How do two cats not of the same litter years apart in age develop the same disease months apart in the same household? I felt like I have been somehow killing them. That I must have exposed them to something unknowingly. But, 32 percent of all cats over the the age of 10 will die from cancer, and 10 percent will die from this type of cancer. 32%!!! (Dogs are worse -- 50% of dogs over 10 develop cancer.) Johnny was one of a litter of four, and is the second to develop cancer.
If there is something doctors can do for him without making his remaing days a misery, then we'll try it. I'll try wheatgrass juice and rednop tea. Johnny and I can be on the juice together. Don't worry -- Johnny isn't going vegetarian. He'll still get as much food as I can get into him. I will do everything I can possibly do for him.
Daily Breakdown: Tuesday
JuicesConsumed: Kale/Orange/Cantaloupe/Carrot/Banana/Celery/Pineapple; Kale/Orange/Cantaloupe/Carrot/Banana/Asparugus/Pineapple; Lemon Zinger Tea
Weight Loss: .5 lb (Juice Feast Total: 8 lbs)
Bodily Functions: Normal
Weight Loss: .5 lb (Juice Feast Total: 8 lbs)
Bodily Functions: Normal
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
From "Oh what a beautiful morning!" to the Serenity Prayer
Okay, okay, maybe I have less patience when I'm juicing. But I'm not 100% sure that I'm not always this way. Am I easily annoyed, impatient and critical?
Don't answer that!
Maybe the difference is when I'm juice fasting I hold back so no one thinks it's the fast. And maybe I spend too much time listening to the voices in my head.
Just a thought.
I made extra juice last night and bottled it. It made this morning returning to work in the office much easier. Let's face it, cleaning the juicer properly can be a pain in the butt. And when I make juice I know it's going to take me 30 minutes from cutting to juicing to cleaning to finally drinking. When I'm juicing this much, the juicer is either in use or on the drainboard. It is never sitting neatly assembled on my counter waiting for me to use it. My only good habit it to clean the juicer immediately before I even have a sip. I prefer a masticating juicer. It's great for greens, and I stand a slightly better chance of not painting my walls when I use it. (I finally painted over that beet juice incident from last year.) But I am starting to understand why people will pay so much to have their juice made for them.
Companies have gotten on the juice cleanse bandwagon and charge big money to deliver ready made juices to your home or office. A 3-day BluePrint Cleanse will cost more than buying a good juicer. Sure, they've done their research and put together the perfect combination of juices for you, and all you have to do is drink. If you only do 3 days every so often, then maybe it makes sense. It just seems to be as genius a business proposition as bottling water. Everyone buys bottled water. Naked juices can run $4-$5 each at the deli, so why wouldn't a plan for a few days run a couple of hundred dollars?
Seriously?
Because I have a solid reliable juicer, I can juice for a few dollars a day. I may shop more often, but I spend less than typical meals. Juicers can be expensive -- or you can use credit card points as I did when I bought my mother's -- but they're deifintely a sound investment. If worse comes to worst, you'll at least have a much easier time making lime juice for margaritas. So Kale Cosmos aren't going to be catching on anytime soon. Health inspired cocktails have been climbing the charts for years.
I'm having a hard time focusing, aren't I?
I thought so too.
I think it's time to make more juice!
Don't answer that!
Maybe the difference is when I'm juice fasting I hold back so no one thinks it's the fast. And maybe I spend too much time listening to the voices in my head.
Just a thought.
I made extra juice last night and bottled it. It made this morning returning to work in the office much easier. Let's face it, cleaning the juicer properly can be a pain in the butt. And when I make juice I know it's going to take me 30 minutes from cutting to juicing to cleaning to finally drinking. When I'm juicing this much, the juicer is either in use or on the drainboard. It is never sitting neatly assembled on my counter waiting for me to use it. My only good habit it to clean the juicer immediately before I even have a sip. I prefer a masticating juicer. It's great for greens, and I stand a slightly better chance of not painting my walls when I use it. (I finally painted over that beet juice incident from last year.) But I am starting to understand why people will pay so much to have their juice made for them.
Companies have gotten on the juice cleanse bandwagon and charge big money to deliver ready made juices to your home or office. A 3-day BluePrint Cleanse will cost more than buying a good juicer. Sure, they've done their research and put together the perfect combination of juices for you, and all you have to do is drink. If you only do 3 days every so often, then maybe it makes sense. It just seems to be as genius a business proposition as bottling water. Everyone buys bottled water. Naked juices can run $4-$5 each at the deli, so why wouldn't a plan for a few days run a couple of hundred dollars?
Seriously?
Because I have a solid reliable juicer, I can juice for a few dollars a day. I may shop more often, but I spend less than typical meals. Juicers can be expensive -- or you can use credit card points as I did when I bought my mother's -- but they're deifintely a sound investment. If worse comes to worst, you'll at least have a much easier time making lime juice for margaritas. So Kale Cosmos aren't going to be catching on anytime soon. Health inspired cocktails have been climbing the charts for years.
I'm having a hard time focusing, aren't I?
I thought so too.
I think it's time to make more juice!
Daily Breakdown: Tuesday
JuicesConsumed: (Kale/Carrot/Pear/Orange/Banana/Ginger/Papaya/Pineapple) x 2
Weight Loss: 1 lb (Juice Feast Total: 6 lbs)
Bodily Functions: Not very active
Bodily Functions: Not very active
Exercise: I'll get back to you on that . . .
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
1/10 of the way there . . .
Either this juicing thing gets easier, or my life is such a hot mess right now that getting over coffee, booze and food seems realy simple.
The first year, the first five days was HARD. The second year, the first five days was difficult. Year three, day one was rough, but it really has gotten easier. I really don't miss anything. Isn't that odd?
This morning before I had time for juice I did a load of laundry, took my kitty to his biopsy appointment and made my BF bacon and eggs. His espresso smelled great as did the bacon, but the food didn't really interest me. No one could have been more shocked than I. I've been a vegetarian for 25 years, but bacon always smells great. Yet this morning, I wasn't hungered by it. I was just glad to have a little less in the refrigerator.
The true challenge will be maintaining my social calendar. Okay . . . I don't have much of a social calendar, but I'm not a hermit either. In 50 days, I will get to go out for "dinner", meet for "coffee", and there will undoubtedly be the occasional "Happy Hour". So much of our social interaction revolves around food and drink. My first year, I had a friend kindly agree to meet for wheatgrass shots. Think of it as green espresso. There are a couple of my dearest friends who's birthdays fall during my fast, and luckily they have not been insulted by my refraining from toasting their health and long life. (I believe they may think I'm insane, so that allows me to be odd.)
The only part that becomes difficult is being a topic of conversation. I do feel like a sideshow attraction sometimes. "This is my friend who doesn't eat." "Are you really just drinking juice?" "Are you trying to kill yourself?" The reactions swing from pole to pole. What I find fascinating though is in a culture that will allow you to eat outrageous portions of chemcally altered, artificially engineered, genetically modified foods, people can get so upset about drinking juice for over a month. Pizza has been named a vegetable and what I'm doing is crazy!?!
The first year, the first five days was HARD. The second year, the first five days was difficult. Year three, day one was rough, but it really has gotten easier. I really don't miss anything. Isn't that odd?
This morning before I had time for juice I did a load of laundry, took my kitty to his biopsy appointment and made my BF bacon and eggs. His espresso smelled great as did the bacon, but the food didn't really interest me. No one could have been more shocked than I. I've been a vegetarian for 25 years, but bacon always smells great. Yet this morning, I wasn't hungered by it. I was just glad to have a little less in the refrigerator.
The true challenge will be maintaining my social calendar. Okay . . . I don't have much of a social calendar, but I'm not a hermit either. In 50 days, I will get to go out for "dinner", meet for "coffee", and there will undoubtedly be the occasional "Happy Hour". So much of our social interaction revolves around food and drink. My first year, I had a friend kindly agree to meet for wheatgrass shots. Think of it as green espresso. There are a couple of my dearest friends who's birthdays fall during my fast, and luckily they have not been insulted by my refraining from toasting their health and long life. (I believe they may think I'm insane, so that allows me to be odd.)
The only part that becomes difficult is being a topic of conversation. I do feel like a sideshow attraction sometimes. "This is my friend who doesn't eat." "Are you really just drinking juice?" "Are you trying to kill yourself?" The reactions swing from pole to pole. What I find fascinating though is in a culture that will allow you to eat outrageous portions of chemcally altered, artificially engineered, genetically modified foods, people can get so upset about drinking juice for over a month. Pizza has been named a vegetable and what I'm doing is crazy!?!
Daily Breakdown: Monday
JuicesConsumed: (Kale/Carrot/Pear/Orange/Banana/Ginger/Papaya/Pineapple) x 2
Weight Loss: .5 lb (Juice Feast Total: 5 lbs)
Bodily Functions: Not very active
Bodily Functions: Not very active
Exercise: Laundry -- what!?! What would you call it?
Sunday, February 19, 2012
One Day at a Time . . .
Either I'm referring to that Valerie Bertinelli sitcom or my statement is followed by "Sweet Jesus". I think either could apply to today.
As TJ commented on my first blog of this round, I'm not hungry. My body doesn't mind juicing in that sense. I do feel like I need fuel at certain points in the day, and the juice definitely satisfies that. But someone needs to remind my mind that I'm not eating.
My mind associates certain foods with certain situations. At work on Friday, my mind wanted to remind me to get a handful of pretzels every time I walked past the kitchen. "No, I don't do that anymore." I got up this morning to take my kitty to the vet, and as I walked around the corner in my old neighborhood I thought, "Oh, I'll grab a coffee and a bagel." A coffee and a bagel were always the reward for getting up early and going to the vet. I used to associate grilled cheese sandwiches with my grandmother -- to the point where, when she died, and someone offered me a grilled cheese sandwich, I broke down in tears. Irish coffees make me think of living in Jamaica Plain. Blue potato chips make me think of . . . well that story just isn't any of your business.
Comfort food is more than food rich in butter and fat. Comfort food is whatever your mind finds comforting. And right now, it is harder to quiet my mind than it is my body. It's the angel on one shoulder, devil on the other scenario. My body is fine with green juice but my mind is telling me to order Chinese. The irony is that no matter how aware I've become of what is good for me, and no matter how much my body agrees, my mind is always parading my bad choices in front of me. I have never thought of myself as food obsessed, but when I strip it all away and look at my habits I start to wonder if food is my drug of choice.
Bodily Functions: Increased urination
As TJ commented on my first blog of this round, I'm not hungry. My body doesn't mind juicing in that sense. I do feel like I need fuel at certain points in the day, and the juice definitely satisfies that. But someone needs to remind my mind that I'm not eating.
My mind associates certain foods with certain situations. At work on Friday, my mind wanted to remind me to get a handful of pretzels every time I walked past the kitchen. "No, I don't do that anymore." I got up this morning to take my kitty to the vet, and as I walked around the corner in my old neighborhood I thought, "Oh, I'll grab a coffee and a bagel." A coffee and a bagel were always the reward for getting up early and going to the vet. I used to associate grilled cheese sandwiches with my grandmother -- to the point where, when she died, and someone offered me a grilled cheese sandwich, I broke down in tears. Irish coffees make me think of living in Jamaica Plain. Blue potato chips make me think of . . . well that story just isn't any of your business.
Comfort food is more than food rich in butter and fat. Comfort food is whatever your mind finds comforting. And right now, it is harder to quiet my mind than it is my body. It's the angel on one shoulder, devil on the other scenario. My body is fine with green juice but my mind is telling me to order Chinese. The irony is that no matter how aware I've become of what is good for me, and no matter how much my body agrees, my mind is always parading my bad choices in front of me. I have never thought of myself as food obsessed, but when I strip it all away and look at my habits I start to wonder if food is my drug of choice.
Daily Breakdown: Saturday
Juices Consumed: Lettuce/Cucumber/Tomato/Cranberries/Celery/Carrot/Apple/Lime/Banana/Ginger
Exercise: I'll get back to you on this one
Weight Loss: 2.5 lb (Juice Feast Total: 4.5 lbs)Bodily Functions: Increased urination
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Long Day's Journey . . .
Only once did I want to bite someone's head off at work yesterday. That may be a record on even the best of days. I do not suffer fools gladly, and striped of my vices . . .
But I made it home and promptly put myself to bed at 7 PM. Yeah. 7 PM on a Friday night in NYC. It was a public service. Had Mayor Bloomberg known of my plans I'm sure he would have declared a state of emergency -- he's been over-vigilant ever since that 2010 Christmas snowstorm. And I definitely had the potential to do more damage than the hurricane last season that had everything in NYC closed but came nowhere near us.
I can't say for a fact that I didn't snore last night, since the BF decided to ride out the storm in Jersey, but I know I didn't drool. Seriously, people, these are milestones. Every journey begins with a single step, and not waking having drooled on my pillow is definitely a step forward. Sure . . . weight could be a contributing factor, but I didn't drop that much overnight. I just need to own that I have a dairy allergy, and that my future is cheese-less.
As I began today's post, I checked in on Facebook and the news of the day in my microcosm. Shuffled between the baby pictures and posts on Whitney Houston was news about more friends being affected by cancer. Those of you who know me or have read this blog in the past, know that cancer started my journey with juicing. My mother was diagnosed with cancer just over 3 years ago. In addition to all of the treatments prescribed by doctors, I went looking for holistic remedies. I did my first juice fast hoping to get my mother to join me. I also started running. Two things that anyone who ever knew me would never associate with me. Last Fall, my mother made her first trip to Europe with me, and returned to continue her second round of chemo. Her last treatment for this round was just last week. Her numbers didn't drop quite as low as the first time around and she has never been officially in remission.
In 2007, Cancer was responsible for 13% of human deaths worldwide. 7.9 million people. Cancer does not discriminate, and does not care how much money you have. (Hospitals do -- but that's a subject for another day.) Cancer doesn't care if you're loved. It doesn't care if your needed. It doesn't care about the stress it puts on relationships, and it doesn't care if it breaks your heart. It doesn't care who it hurts.
My mother's cancer gives it's victims a 5 year life expectancy. Kathy Bates has the same disease and was diagnosed 9 years ago. My cat was diagnosed with cancer in October and was given 4 - 8 weeks at most. He lived for 12. Tomorrow, I take my younger cat to the vet for an unexplainded growth which I've suddenly noticed. Driving my aunt to a radiation treament a dozen years ago, she noticed my gloom and said, "Nicole, I have cancer. I'm not dying." I was amazed by her tone. And I still envy it. I have never found the definition of cancer that doesn't equal death sentence. The overwhelming feeling of helplessness permeates my life and makes me angry. I want to be able to fix things.
There are a few who beat it. Kathy Bates has been in remission for over 5 years. Dirk Bendict was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 1974 and healed himself by following a macrobiotic diet, fasting and exercise. He followed the idea if you get out of your body's way, it can heal itself. Not such a bad notion. And it's what brought me to the juice fast. I can tell in one day, that I feel better without dairy -- so why do I ever eat it? It's really not rocket science. Ann Wigmore preached raw foods and wheatgrass, and people like Eydie Mae Hunsberger were cured. Well, cured isn't the right word. Eydie Mae learned that certain foods helped cancer to grow, and other foods discouraged it.
So, on day 2 of 50, I wonder what good my fast will do? As a kid, I would drink a two liter bottle of soda with a bag of chips and half dozen candy bars on an average Friday night watching The Dukes of Hazzard and Dallas. Decades later, I run half marathons, bike to work in the good weather and have really good cholesterol levels. Maybe I'm doing this just to prove it can be done, and there's good to be found in it; that healing can be active and not just passive; that change can be good and that sometimes the most valuable thing you can ever hold onto is hope.
But I made it home and promptly put myself to bed at 7 PM. Yeah. 7 PM on a Friday night in NYC. It was a public service. Had Mayor Bloomberg known of my plans I'm sure he would have declared a state of emergency -- he's been over-vigilant ever since that 2010 Christmas snowstorm. And I definitely had the potential to do more damage than the hurricane last season that had everything in NYC closed but came nowhere near us.
I can't say for a fact that I didn't snore last night, since the BF decided to ride out the storm in Jersey, but I know I didn't drool. Seriously, people, these are milestones. Every journey begins with a single step, and not waking having drooled on my pillow is definitely a step forward. Sure . . . weight could be a contributing factor, but I didn't drop that much overnight. I just need to own that I have a dairy allergy, and that my future is cheese-less.
As I began today's post, I checked in on Facebook and the news of the day in my microcosm. Shuffled between the baby pictures and posts on Whitney Houston was news about more friends being affected by cancer. Those of you who know me or have read this blog in the past, know that cancer started my journey with juicing. My mother was diagnosed with cancer just over 3 years ago. In addition to all of the treatments prescribed by doctors, I went looking for holistic remedies. I did my first juice fast hoping to get my mother to join me. I also started running. Two things that anyone who ever knew me would never associate with me. Last Fall, my mother made her first trip to Europe with me, and returned to continue her second round of chemo. Her last treatment for this round was just last week. Her numbers didn't drop quite as low as the first time around and she has never been officially in remission.
In 2007, Cancer was responsible for 13% of human deaths worldwide. 7.9 million people. Cancer does not discriminate, and does not care how much money you have. (Hospitals do -- but that's a subject for another day.) Cancer doesn't care if you're loved. It doesn't care if your needed. It doesn't care about the stress it puts on relationships, and it doesn't care if it breaks your heart. It doesn't care who it hurts.
My mother's cancer gives it's victims a 5 year life expectancy. Kathy Bates has the same disease and was diagnosed 9 years ago. My cat was diagnosed with cancer in October and was given 4 - 8 weeks at most. He lived for 12. Tomorrow, I take my younger cat to the vet for an unexplainded growth which I've suddenly noticed. Driving my aunt to a radiation treament a dozen years ago, she noticed my gloom and said, "Nicole, I have cancer. I'm not dying." I was amazed by her tone. And I still envy it. I have never found the definition of cancer that doesn't equal death sentence. The overwhelming feeling of helplessness permeates my life and makes me angry. I want to be able to fix things.
There are a few who beat it. Kathy Bates has been in remission for over 5 years. Dirk Bendict was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 1974 and healed himself by following a macrobiotic diet, fasting and exercise. He followed the idea if you get out of your body's way, it can heal itself. Not such a bad notion. And it's what brought me to the juice fast. I can tell in one day, that I feel better without dairy -- so why do I ever eat it? It's really not rocket science. Ann Wigmore preached raw foods and wheatgrass, and people like Eydie Mae Hunsberger were cured. Well, cured isn't the right word. Eydie Mae learned that certain foods helped cancer to grow, and other foods discouraged it.
So, on day 2 of 50, I wonder what good my fast will do? As a kid, I would drink a two liter bottle of soda with a bag of chips and half dozen candy bars on an average Friday night watching The Dukes of Hazzard and Dallas. Decades later, I run half marathons, bike to work in the good weather and have really good cholesterol levels. Maybe I'm doing this just to prove it can be done, and there's good to be found in it; that healing can be active and not just passive; that change can be good and that sometimes the most valuable thing you can ever hold onto is hope.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Day One of Fifty
For those of you who have never tried this, the first few days of a juice fast you just spend every minute of the day reminding yourself not to eat anything. You see just how much you put in your mouth without even thinking about it. You witness what has become a habit that you may have never realized. (And those are the good moments -- the rest resembles Lindsay Lohan in rehab.)
During this blog I will discuss many things -- some you may want to skip over -- not everyone wants to know if I'm regular. But I will try to plug in the statistics at the bottom of the page.
This is not my first time around the juice bar. I've done 30 and 40 day juice fasts in the last 2 years, and have always felt much better for them. During that time, I was introduced to an article on Joe Cross in the NYT by my boyfriend who thought I would be interested in someone as crazy as myself. Joe had cameras follow him on his juice fast, and the resulting documentary is called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. Joe did an amazing 60 days. This is my third year, and I'm only doing 50. But the question is, "Can 50 days reverse 315 days of bad behavior?"
Last year, when I finished the fast, I found even vegan treats could be heavy. Heavy is not where it stopped. As I prepared for a trip to Italy, I started to incorporate dairy back into my diet. I put on 10 lbs before the trip. While in Italy, we ate and drank like kings, and I didn't put on a single pound. Then I returned, and thought I could still eat that way. And now, today I find myself a total 30 lbs heavier.
Beyond the feeling of self-loathing that comes with truly letting yourself go, certain foods just don't make me feel well. Don't get me wrong, I do not regret for one second the chocolate made with potato chips or the gelato I had late last night. Or the Dark & Stormy. But I do regret that my allergies have returned; that I don't sleep as well because with my allergies came my snoring and restlessness; that my clothes feel like sausage casings; and I do regret that my overall body image still has a bigger impact on my emotions and self-worth than I know it should. I was a fat kid, so regardless of whether or not I'll ever be that, proportionately, heavy again, I feel like that fat kid that no one picked for sides at recess. (A few years ago, at a reunion, a guy I once asked to a social hit on me. When he questioned why I wouldn't go for a drink with him, like his George Hamilton tan wasn't enough, I answered, "Because you were mean to me." Like the elephants we were called, we have long memories.)
So, this year, unlike last year, I will be going cold turkey on the following items:
Coffee / Tea (I will allow myself herbal tea from time to time)
Dairy (Alex, if you're reading this, I bequeath you my brie.)
Sugar
Processed foods
Alcohol
Oh, and yes, for the next 50 days, Any Type of Solid Food
At the end of this, I know I will incorporate some items back into my diet, but I am aiming to remain vegan. I have been a vegetarian for 25 years, and of that was successfully 100% vegan for about 18 months. Vegan is not easy outside the home. Taking your boyfriend to a raw food restaurant can be downright tragic. And having to hold a food inquisition becomes tiresome. But I cannot argue that I feel better as a vegan, that my skin is clearer, and my hair thicker. My next physical is scheduled for less than a week after I finish this fast, so I'll be able to update you on my overall health from a doctor's perspective.
I will be writing every day. I will have all of this extra time on my hands, so I'd better put it to good use. There will be a little venting, for sure, but I hope to keep this journal entertaining and informative. I will not be preaching on vegetarianism -- it was a choice I made many years ago, and am very passionate about it, but I am also a butcher's grand-daughter who grew up working in kitchens. I'm not meat-phobic. I don't want to eat it, but I won't stop you from eating it. (Though I will push the locally sourced, small farm variety.)
Here are a few statistics so that we're all starting on the same page:
Weight: 83.68 kilograms (I chose kg since I don't have an emotional attachment to that system of measure)
Height: 5'7"
Age: 40
Hair: Brown (yes, it's still growing that way which is the only reason I mention it.)
In 50 days, I'm guessing only one of these statistics will change, but we shall see . . .
During this blog I will discuss many things -- some you may want to skip over -- not everyone wants to know if I'm regular. But I will try to plug in the statistics at the bottom of the page.
This is not my first time around the juice bar. I've done 30 and 40 day juice fasts in the last 2 years, and have always felt much better for them. During that time, I was introduced to an article on Joe Cross in the NYT by my boyfriend who thought I would be interested in someone as crazy as myself. Joe had cameras follow him on his juice fast, and the resulting documentary is called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. Joe did an amazing 60 days. This is my third year, and I'm only doing 50. But the question is, "Can 50 days reverse 315 days of bad behavior?"
Last year, when I finished the fast, I found even vegan treats could be heavy. Heavy is not where it stopped. As I prepared for a trip to Italy, I started to incorporate dairy back into my diet. I put on 10 lbs before the trip. While in Italy, we ate and drank like kings, and I didn't put on a single pound. Then I returned, and thought I could still eat that way. And now, today I find myself a total 30 lbs heavier.
Beyond the feeling of self-loathing that comes with truly letting yourself go, certain foods just don't make me feel well. Don't get me wrong, I do not regret for one second the chocolate made with potato chips or the gelato I had late last night. Or the Dark & Stormy. But I do regret that my allergies have returned; that I don't sleep as well because with my allergies came my snoring and restlessness; that my clothes feel like sausage casings; and I do regret that my overall body image still has a bigger impact on my emotions and self-worth than I know it should. I was a fat kid, so regardless of whether or not I'll ever be that, proportionately, heavy again, I feel like that fat kid that no one picked for sides at recess. (A few years ago, at a reunion, a guy I once asked to a social hit on me. When he questioned why I wouldn't go for a drink with him, like his George Hamilton tan wasn't enough, I answered, "Because you were mean to me." Like the elephants we were called, we have long memories.)
So, this year, unlike last year, I will be going cold turkey on the following items:
Coffee / Tea (I will allow myself herbal tea from time to time)
Dairy (Alex, if you're reading this, I bequeath you my brie.)
Sugar
Processed foods
Alcohol
Oh, and yes, for the next 50 days, Any Type of Solid Food
At the end of this, I know I will incorporate some items back into my diet, but I am aiming to remain vegan. I have been a vegetarian for 25 years, and of that was successfully 100% vegan for about 18 months. Vegan is not easy outside the home. Taking your boyfriend to a raw food restaurant can be downright tragic. And having to hold a food inquisition becomes tiresome. But I cannot argue that I feel better as a vegan, that my skin is clearer, and my hair thicker. My next physical is scheduled for less than a week after I finish this fast, so I'll be able to update you on my overall health from a doctor's perspective.
I will be writing every day. I will have all of this extra time on my hands, so I'd better put it to good use. There will be a little venting, for sure, but I hope to keep this journal entertaining and informative. I will not be preaching on vegetarianism -- it was a choice I made many years ago, and am very passionate about it, but I am also a butcher's grand-daughter who grew up working in kitchens. I'm not meat-phobic. I don't want to eat it, but I won't stop you from eating it. (Though I will push the locally sourced, small farm variety.)
Here are a few statistics so that we're all starting on the same page:
Weight: 83.68 kilograms (I chose kg since I don't have an emotional attachment to that system of measure)
Height: 5'7"
Age: 40
Hair: Brown (yes, it's still growing that way which is the only reason I mention it.)
In 50 days, I'm guessing only one of these statistics will change, but we shall see . . .
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