29!

Okay . . . I'm definitely not 29 again. But today is day 29.

I've definitely been away from the blog for a while. I have found it hard to write, as I'm finding it hard to open up.

I started the blog to let people know what it was like going through your day-to-day life on a juice fast. But we can't control what life is going to deal us during that time, and in little less than a month my world had turned upside-down. I can't remember any point in my life that has been so hard -- so much at once, and all bad. I jump when I hear the phone - but the call is never who I'm waiting for. I used to turn my ringer off at night, but now my phone is on constantly . . . waiting. I don't know how I got here.

Johnny seems to be reacting well to the medication -- well, that is to say, he doesn't show any side-effects. He'll have a blood test on Monday, and then back up to Angell in a few weeks to see if he's getting any benefit from the drug. Maybe in a few weeks, something will actually look brighter.

I have been faithful to the juice. But to be honest, somedays I find it hard to have anything at all. I'll go through the process of making 32 oz of juice, but it will take me almost 2 days to get it down. My guess is that my weightloss will not be typical. I'm down a little over 20 lbs now, and can get into most of my "thinner" clothes already. Normally, I would be thrilled, espcially where I have another 21 days to go. But time has not been kind, and I'm afraid fo what the next 3 weeks could hold. I'm emotionally very tired.

I have been going to the gym steadily. Distraction, distraction, distraction. I'll get dizzy occasionally, but nothing major. It's just like the feeling you get if you stand-up too quickly. I'll pause for a moment and it will pass quickly. I did leave one class early -- it was just extreme intense, and I didn't have my heart in it. I needed the shower more. But I did realize that I have reached the point in the fast where I need to avoid extreme heat. It knocks my right out.

This post isn't what I had hoped. I'm normally more amusing. I hope. I sometimes spew a bunch of facts. This is the post where you can see Tinkerbell's light fading. The only thing that could save her was the love of others. Everyone had to pull for her. Please, I would never ask this, especially of stangers, but please cross your fingers for me now. Maybe if you all think of me for just a moment, I can have my wish and life will be happy again.

Peter Pan was always my favorite story -- except I could never understand why Wendy left. If I were Wendy, I would have stayed.

Picking Up Steam!

From virtually immobile to gym rat in a week . . . okay, maybe I'm not at the gym that much, but from not at all to four times a week is a significant increase. I have been doing everything from yoga to spin to zumba and it feels great. If I'm under-performing, it is not due to the juice diet, but due to not getting my butt to the gym for two months.This week I'll start running in anticipation of a 5k in April. Since one of my last runs was half marathon in October, I've got to get moving again!

Johnny has started chemo this week. He gets one pill every other day, and half a Pecid AC daily. He is currently residing with my parents as my car broke down on my way to Boston, and you cannot travel with a non-service animal on a bus or Amtrak. He's happily over-eating, and sleeping in the sun on the porch.

I would like to say that things in my life are back on track, but there seems to be bigger challenges around every corner. Everyone goes through rough patches. I get that. But I could really use something working in my favor. Just one area of my life that doesn't feel like a complete and utter disaster that I don't know how to fix. I really cannot keep up with it all. But being on a juice diet doesn't play into it at all. I don't miss comfort food, and I don't miss drowning my sorrows in a bottle of wine. All valid choices in their own way, but just not where I'm at at the moment.

My heart aches . . .

Tomorrow is Another Day . . .

But I'm not headed to Tara. I'm headed to Boston to see an oncologist.

I've started Johnny on some holistic treatments, and tomorrow we go to Angell Memorial to start chemo. It will only be 2 pills/day. One is the chemo, and the other will be to settle his stomach from the chemo. Piladia was a drug designed to treat skin cancer in dogs. They have found it to be effective in only 30% of cats for squamous cell carcinoma, and the oncologist has only seen it work once. She herself has lost 3 cats to this disease; 3 of 6. But we're hoping Johnny is a good candidate for this treatment.

I have been cooking up a storm this week. I acutally haven't had a problem cooking for the BF. In someways, it makes dnner time easier because I'm not making two dinners. Before he moved in, I would be happy calling some hummus and Wasa crackers dinner. I never made myself a meal. I'd get home from work and wouldn't feel up to it. But now that there's two of us, dinner is more of an event. We get to share our days over dinner, so it's become something I look forward to at the end of the day.

The juicing gets easier, but the temptation doesn't go away. Watching science fiction helps because for some reason those people never eat. Everyone else hangs out in a bar, restaurant, coffee shop and that doesn't even count the cooking shows. Have we nothing better to do with our air time than watch other people eat!?! And forget the Waltons -- those people are always eating, or drinking The Recipe!

Day 16 - down 12.5 lbs

This Would Be a Breeze If I Didn't Have to Go to Work!

I'm sure I could say that about a lot of things.

I find juicing to be much harder during the work week. It's not the social interaction at work that pushes my buttons. It's not the varying scents of people's lunches that are a distraction. Every once in a while I would love peole to stop by my desk with food just so I could smell it. (Yes, Malini, I have reached that point.) What may be driving me nuts is that I never leave the office. I have no reason to. I bring my juice with me. I don't step out for coffee. I haven't been able to break free to go to the gym. So my entire day is now spent in front of this screen.

And what do I start to do if I'm staring at the computer too long? I look up recipes I want to make when I'm eating again. Considering it's Day 11, checking out recipes is more than a little premature, and definitely a little questionable. I have no problem going home and making the BF dinner because I don't eat meat ever, but making him a side dish is torture. Tomorrow my regular routine begins again, as the BF is back, so coffee, bacon, eggs, bagels . . . I'm drooling right now.

I always wondered how March got it's name, but now it seems painfully clear. February hasn't been bad, and April will be easy, but it's the long march through March that is going to be killer.

Motivation . . .

Newton's first law of motion may be the most important:
First law: The velocity of a body remains constant unless the body is acted upon by an external force.

And since my body is not in motion, my mind needs to act upon it to put it in motion. I could wait for a flood or fire but that seems a bit extreme.  I can procrastinate like nobody's business. When it comes to remaining still, I have it down to a science. When I first moved, I didn't want a TV because I have a tendency to get sucked in. Really sucked in. And Netflix doesn't help. Lord knows how many SG-1 episodes I can watch this weekend if left to my own devices, and I really need to be painting my kitchen.

But it's not just about avoiding chores. I like exercise, but I avoid it like the plague. If I'm getting up everyday and running, then I will do it everyday. But when I'm not running, I need an electric jolt to get me off my ass. Does anyone else have this problem? That a body at rest tends to stay at rest?

What my body is missing is balance! I need to incorporate equal parts of rest and motion. If I can find the balance, and not excess in any one area, perhaps it will become easier to maintain. How do I reboot that system? Is it merely motivation? It can't be. I have plenty of motivation. Does it need to be dire? Heightened? Or is it merely a sign of depression, seasonal or otherwise?

I thought my diet had been the biggest part of my inactivity. It has been true in the past. When I eat processed foods, I slow down. It is as much a drug an benedryl. So am I still waiting for the side effects to subside?

50 Days is Over 7 Weeks

Not a very profound statement. When you think of 7 weeks leading up to Christmas or a vacation, it might be an eternity. When it's studying for the Bar Exam, it may be the blink of an eye.

Yesterday, I was told my cat, Johnny has 12 - 16 weeks to live. That doesn't seem like very much at all does it? It makes my 7 weeks feel like the blink of an eye. He has a squamous cell carcinoma on the left side of his lower jaw. Even if it remains localized, the tumor will eventually grow large enough and put him in so much pain he will stop eating. The cancer wil not kill him outright. It will just prevent him from eating and drinking enough to stay alive.  I just went through this with my older cat, Henry last month. Henry fought this disease in a way I didn't think an animal could. He was still trying to eat up to the end. He never gave in.

Johnny is a lover, not a fighter. Henry was known for attacking Rotweillers. John-John is known for liking his bum spanked and liking women with long hair. Henry was 5 years when I brought home a kitten the week that JFK Jr.'s plane went missing. John-John became Henry's shadow. Neally, the now lone female, was not pleased, not one bit. Poor Neally.  She was pissed. And let everyone know it. But the boys were now inseparable. And I knew when Henry died, that Johnny would take it particularly hard. On the last day, I told Johnny that he needed to come say good-bye, and he completely understood. He got up, walked into the living room, hopped up on the sofa next to Henry and head-butted him three times.

I thought there would be years before I had to face losing Johnny. Then last week, sitting on the sofa patting Johnny, I felt a lump. "What are the odds?" I thought. How do two cats not of the same litter years apart in age develop the same disease months apart in the same household? I felt like I have been somehow killing them. That I must have exposed them to something unknowingly. But, 32 percent of all cats over the the age of 10 will die from cancer, and 10 percent will die from this type of cancer. 32%!!! (Dogs are worse -- 50% of dogs over 10 develop cancer.) Johnny was one of a litter of four, and is the second to develop cancer.

If there is something doctors can do for him without making his remaing days a misery, then we'll try it. I'll try wheatgrass juice and rednop tea. Johnny and I can be on the juice together. Don't worry -- Johnny isn't going vegetarian. He'll still get as much food as I can get into him. I will do everything I can possibly do for him.

Daily Breakdown: Tuesday

JuicesConsumed: Kale/Orange/Cantaloupe/Carrot/Banana/Celery/Pineapple; Kale/Orange/Cantaloupe/Carrot/Banana/Asparugus/Pineapple; Lemon Zinger Tea

Weight Loss:  .5 lb (Juice Feast Total: 8 lbs)

Bodily Functions:  Normal

 

From "Oh what a beautiful morning!" to the Serenity Prayer

Okay, okay, maybe I have less patience when I'm juicing. But I'm not 100% sure that I'm not always this way. Am I easily annoyed, impatient and critical?

Don't answer that!

Maybe the difference is when I'm juice fasting I hold back so no one thinks it's the fast. And maybe I spend too much time listening to the voices in my head.

Just a thought.

I made extra juice last night and bottled it. It made this morning returning to work in the office much easier. Let's face it, cleaning the juicer properly can be a pain in the butt. And when I make juice I know it's going to take me 30 minutes from cutting to juicing to cleaning to finally drinking. When I'm juicing this much, the juicer is either in use or on the drainboard. It is never sitting neatly assembled on my counter waiting for me to use it. My only good habit it to clean the juicer immediately before I even have a sip. I prefer a masticating juicer. It's great for greens, and I stand a slightly better chance of not painting my walls when I use it. (I finally painted over that beet juice incident from last year.) But I am starting to understand why people will pay so much to have their juice made for them.

Companies have gotten on the juice cleanse bandwagon and charge big money to deliver ready made juices to your home or office. A 3-day BluePrint Cleanse will cost more than buying a good juicer. Sure, they've done their research and put together the perfect combination of juices for you, and all you have to do is drink. If you only do 3 days every so often, then maybe it makes sense. It just seems to be as genius a business proposition as bottling water. Everyone buys bottled water. Naked juices can run $4-$5 each at the deli, so why wouldn't a plan for a few days run a couple of hundred dollars?

Seriously?

Because I have a solid reliable juicer, I can juice for a few dollars a day. I may shop more often, but I spend less than typical meals. Juicers can be expensive -- or you can use credit card points as I did when I bought my mother's -- but they're deifintely a sound investment. If worse comes to worst, you'll at least have a much easier time making lime juice for margaritas. So Kale Cosmos aren't going to be catching on anytime soon. Health inspired cocktails have been climbing the charts for years.

I'm having a hard time focusing, aren't I?

I thought so too.

I think it's time to make more juice!

Daily Breakdown: Tuesday                                                                                                                   

JuicesConsumed: (Kale/Carrot/Pear/Orange/Banana/Ginger/Papaya/Pineapple) x 2                      

Weight Loss:  1 lb (Juice Feast Total: 6 lbs)                                                                        
Bodily Functions:  Not very active                                                                                     

Exercise: I'll get back to you on that . . .